?????!!!!!!

Okay - by your silence I am guessing that you're just as stupified and speechless as I am. I didn't post anything LAST week (when Ali walked out) because I didn't have 5 hours to spout my diatribe on everything from tarot cards and crying Grandma ghosts to perky post-divorce tears and Ed+Jillian revisited. I mean, Lexi is right -- couldn't they at least have changed the hotel room couch to the other wall or perhaps the answering-the-door-after-thumbing-through-the-hotel-magazine-waiting-for-lights-camera-action-peekaboo camera angle? Please..... At least they had that intensely dramatic and I'm sure completely unplanned sobbing collapse to the ground in the hallway by Ali after she headed for her room on pace number 8, carpet medallion number 4, and hold-2-3-4, tears-2-3-4, flop head, face into the hands, whimper, sob, cut, print!



(This is where you would see my rolled eyes get permanently stuck back in their sockets).



Whatever else you can say about Ali, at least she knows how to look chic-ly haggard. I don't know about you, but what a mistake it would have been to show up at the rose ceremony looking beautiful. The just-ran-3-miles pony-tail and grey-and-pink floral junior-high strappy summer frock combo with matching tan character shoes was far better a choice for your grand exit than, say, a stunning red cap-sleeved, knee-lengthed classic wrap-around dress with matching spike heels and lips that Gia rocked. Makes saying, "Good-bye, you fool" so much easier!!



Argh.



Of course, why didn't I enjoy that episode while I could? This week's show gave me such high-voltage nausea that I am still trying to recover. How can this guy who has the wisdom and class to say, Sorry Ali but you made your choice, be so brainless and clueless as to keep the likes of Queen of the Bayou Bilge Vienna???!!!!! It's impossible! How much are they paying him? Those girls are right -- if Vienna is what he's wanted all along, it's an insult to keep getting roses (go figure THAT one out!) When is Ali going to pull a "Jake" and fly into the Bahamas to give her "there's nothing in it for me but I care so much about you I just have to warn you about Wes" speech before she hangs her head on the railing and weeps? Oh wait -- that's still HIS job. Every episode. Forever....



Blegh.



So - okay. I'm done. Everyone thinks I'm kidding but I'm not. I'm going to record the Tell All on Monday and fast forward to the parts that give the update on Wes and the partying, past-participant losers who will be single until they're 40, if not forever. And then, I'm going to record the Final Rose Episode, wait til it's all over, fast forward to the last frame and Laugh. My. Head OFF!!!



Enough.



My fantasy ending: Ali flies in to show Jake Vienna's white-trash suspenders-only photo in her copy of the locals homemade Hooters calendar. Jake brings in Vienna to confront her with it, Ali glaring and pouting and shooting daggers with her eyes while she pushes her 5 strands of hair back into her pony-tail that she hasn't taken out since leaving the show in memorium of lost love. Jake scolds Vienna, cries tears of disappointment (at the railing outside his room of course), and then dutifully eliminates Tenley on the grounds that, morals aside, there's just no chemistry. Jake thanks Ali for being so noble, sends her to hair and make-up for a touch up before surprising her with a helicopter ride to the local Creole Voodoo Chaman who is waiting to channel a cry-in with Ali's grandma as a thank-you gesture for her self-sacrificing trip to the Caribbean paid for by ABC.

Then Jake, making sure his pooka-shell necklace is visible over his tuxedo collar and tie, proposes to Vienna (who is sobbing because her contacts have sand in them), slaps her on the rear-end with her rose, and in an attempt at SOME kind of variety, takes her back into the hotel where there is a black-and-red velvet reception being hosted in their honor by her dad (who confirms it's his daughter who won by doing a braille read of her face even WITH his high-powered specs on) and the entire Hooters staff back home. As Jake is packing for their return to the States, Vienna steals his wallet, calls Wes, schedules her total facial reconstruction, pre-pays it in full over the phone on Jake's credit card, and takes off in the limo alone with her nasty, drug-store-bottle-blond extensions flapping in the wind to the sounds of a new country song playing in the background that starts out with what sounds like the words, "Love -it don't come easy...."



During the After the Final Rose show, while Jake is repeating to Chris Harrison for the ump-teenth time that he "did what was best for him", a bridal-veil-wearing Michelle bursts in mid-sentence with an ovulation predictor kit and a preacher and, when Jake escapes to the nearest railing, Michelle is announced as the next Bachelorette.



Fade to black.



I don't know why ABC won't hire me.



Happy watching girls. And WRITE BACK!! I have to know I'm not the only whacko out here!