I was so frustrated and nauseated. I wanted to strangle Jake. If he wouldn't listen to the other girls, the tabloids or his family, could the producers at least have played back some of his own voice-overs for him?
HELLO! Jake, YOU're the one who says that she's immature and hard to get along with and too blunt for her own good. YOU're the one who knows that your family and a very concerned American audience won't like her. YOU're the one who cringes every time you touch her long, fried extensions or gags a little when your mouth gets a little too close to her chompers she dares to call teeth.
... whoops, that last part was supposed to be you, but the memo must have been lost somewhere between the "heat" you and your "baby" produce so much of. But seriously, Jake, besides that last part, all of those other things I listed were YOUR words. YOURS. YOURS!!!!
Whew. I need to move on.
Bon-Bon, you made me laugh out loud. I said the exact same thing when I saw the sulfur volcano. How could they kiss and be romantic when they were playing in filth? Symbolic much?
Last night was so emotional for me. We usually have a very strict no-talking-except-for-on-the-commercials rule, but I couldn't stop myself last night. I'd tell my mouth to stay shut, but it wouldn't listen. I must have shouted "raunchy" fifteen times over the whole episode, and not just when they were slathering their bodies with the poopy mud.
Can we all just rewind to last season where Jake was kicked off by Jillian using the exact same words he used for Tenley? "Too perfect". Is there really such a thing as "too perfect"? There's obviously no such thing as "gross enough" or else Vienna would have been gone a long time ago. Tenley is a doll. When they make the sequel to Enchanted, they need to cast Tenley as Amy Adams' sister. Tenley won't even have to know she's being filmed. It can be like a candid camera set-up. She'll just sing and dance and flit around. Rozlyn can be the dragon, Vienna can be the troll, Chris Harrison can be the king and Jake can be the fool.
Ok, I'm almost done. Just one more suggestion.
Last night, as I was tossing and turning in my bed, a lot of outrageous-while-still-almost-believable scenarios popped into my head. At one point I was thinking about how disappointed I was because I used to wish that Little Rex would grow up to be a man with the integrity and merit similar to the person I thought I saw in Jake. As I was cursing myself for ever wishing that upon my little brother, I couldn't help but think back on all the smart and hard choices and the sincerity that Jake had shown throughout the season. I wondered what would happen if Rexy ever brought home two girls to meet our family that were as night and day as Tenley and Vienna. And I know that the only way that Rex would ever discredit not only America and his ex-girlfriends, but also his family the way that Jake did (while still not even being convincing when he told us he was happy with his "baby"), the only way Rex would ever choose the whore was if she had some sort of awful, life-ending blackmail she was holding over him. That was the only solution I could come up with.
So there you go: Vienna is blackmailing Jake about his early days in the circus. Poor, poor man.
Oh yeah. And one final, final comment. Jake kept mentioning how completely opposite Tenley and Vienna were. If only Ali or Gia had still been there. Then he wouldn't have had to choose black or white. He could have chosen a girl somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.
I'll close with my "Knowing ABC Prediction": Jake and Vienna last three weeks. As soon as they end, Jake will show up as part of "the most dramatic season in Bachelorette history" and try to win Ali back.
Until then. Barf.
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