Question...

I know I'm a little late but just answer me this...If you had to decide between the following, which would you choose?...

- Chocolate or mud?

- Flowers or Grenades?

- Good health or STD's?

- Warmth and sunshine or blizzards and gloomy clouds?

- A sweet playful puppy or a possum with rabies?

- A swim in a warm, clear ocean with beautiful fish and coral or a swim in cold, scary, dark, shark infested waters?

- Eating a delicious feast or starving to death?

- A sweet, loving, complimentary spouse or a dirty, untrustworthy, abusive spouse?

- A super cute, fit body or a flabby, over weight, cottage cheesey body?

-Happiness or depression?

-Tenley or Vienna?


...the decision was a no-brainer Jake.

>paige<

A Picture of the Happy Couple

I Figured it Out!

First of all, I owe Paige some dues. Last night, when we all gasped in horror as Tenley stepped out of the helicopter, she immediately stood up, put on her coat and headed for the door saying, "Call me if he dumps Vienna, too." I should have followed her. I'm not exaggerating or joking when I say that last night's show gave me heartburn. I had to cover my mouth and choke down vomit about once every minute starting from the moment Vienna stepped through the door to meet the in-laws.

I was so frustrated and nauseated. I wanted to strangle Jake. If he wouldn't listen to the other girls, the tabloids or his family, could the producers at least have played back some of his own voice-overs for him?

HELLO! Jake, YOU're the one who says that she's immature and hard to get along with and too blunt for her own good. YOU're the one who knows that your family and a very concerned American audience won't like her. YOU're the one who cringes every time you touch her long, fried extensions or gags a little when your mouth gets a little too close to her chompers she dares to call teeth.

... whoops, that last part was supposed to be you, but the memo must have been lost somewhere between the "heat" you and your "baby" produce so much of. But seriously, Jake, besides that last part, all of those other things I listed were YOUR words. YOURS. YOURS!!!!

Whew. I need to move on.

Bon-Bon, you made me laugh out loud. I said the exact same thing when I saw the sulfur volcano. How could they kiss and be romantic when they were playing in filth? Symbolic much?

Last night was so emotional for me. We usually have a very strict no-talking-except-for-on-the-commercials rule, but I couldn't stop myself last night. I'd tell my mouth to stay shut, but it wouldn't listen. I must have shouted "raunchy" fifteen times over the whole episode, and not just when they were slathering their bodies with the poopy mud.

Can we all just rewind to last season where Jake was kicked off by Jillian using the exact same words he used for Tenley? "Too perfect". Is there really such a thing as "too perfect"? There's obviously no such thing as "gross enough" or else Vienna would have been gone a long time ago. Tenley is a doll. When they make the sequel to Enchanted, they need to cast Tenley as Amy Adams' sister. Tenley won't even have to know she's being filmed. It can be like a candid camera set-up. She'll just sing and dance and flit around. Rozlyn can be the dragon, Vienna can be the troll, Chris Harrison can be the king and Jake can be the fool.

Ok, I'm almost done. Just one more suggestion.

Last night, as I was tossing and turning in my bed, a lot of outrageous-while-still-almost-believable scenarios popped into my head. At one point I was thinking about how disappointed I was because I used to wish that Little Rex would grow up to be a man with the integrity and merit similar to the person I thought I saw in Jake. As I was cursing myself for ever wishing that upon my little brother, I couldn't help but think back on all the smart and hard choices and the sincerity that Jake had shown throughout the season. I wondered what would happen if Rexy ever brought home two girls to meet our family that were as night and day as Tenley and Vienna. And I know that the only way that Rex would ever discredit not only America and his ex-girlfriends, but also his family the way that Jake did (while still not even being convincing when he told us he was happy with his "baby"), the only way Rex would ever choose the whore was if she had some sort of awful, life-ending blackmail she was holding over him. That was the only solution I could come up with.

So there you go: Vienna is blackmailing Jake about his early days in the circus. Poor, poor man.

Oh yeah. And one final, final comment. Jake kept mentioning how completely opposite Tenley and Vienna were. If only Ali or Gia had still been there. Then he wouldn't have had to choose black or white. He could have chosen a girl somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.

I'll close with my "Knowing ABC Prediction": Jake and Vienna last three weeks. As soon as they end, Jake will show up as part of "the most dramatic season in Bachelorette history" and try to win Ali back.

Until then. Barf.

funny postscript

I was reading the Sunday paper today (yes, I'm behind in that, too!), and saw this little blurb in the "Around the Remote" section for upcoming TV highlights: "It's decision time on "The Bachelor," where maybe a rose and ring will be handed out and two reality show stars will begin a life of eternal bliss. Yeah, and maybe they'll ride off into the clouds on a unicorn." Made me giggle. Hope you are having a great day. Love, Suz

Suzanne's Introductory Email - posted by Lisa

sorry Suz - just too priceless to leave in my inbox:

Does anyone else wonder why on EARTH Jake was invited to be on DWTS instead of TENLEY?!?!?!? ... Completely against my will and all common sense, I stewed about the crazy outcome of [this] crazy show most of the night! So I have to get it off my chest to move on with life. See blog [below] .... Suz

Just a few words (as in Arrggh, Eww, Blech)

Hey girls,

Here's all I have to say -- besides the few words in my title. Jake made a conscious decision and chose Hooters over Olive Garden (insert any other "garden-variety" wholesome family fare) . . . silicone and extensions over natural (relatively speaking) . . . hot 'n spicy junkfood over healthy, flavorful organic . . . inlaws from the "Roseanne" show over Ma & Pa Ingalls . . . a "brazen hussy" over "Princess Aurora" . . . and short-lived fame (or rather infamy and notoriety) over a wholesome, happy partnership and marriage. Sadly, choices have consequences, and he's in for some doozies.

I predict future happiness for Tenley with a kind, sweet man who actually does appreciate and adore her . . . and heartburn, humiliation, and hurt for Jake . . . although there is still time for him to come to his senses (i.e., hire a private detective to check out the tabloid stories). It really was painful to watch Chris Harrison trying to make this out to be a happy ending. It was also painful to watch Alli try to rehab her image in the Women Tell All -- suddenly making nice with Vienna, etc. Oh well, I hope she finds her quirky, funny dream guy -- against all reasonable odds, considering the crazies they cast for this show.

I truly cannot fathom their choice to put him on DWTS. I think we have seen enough of him, not to mention having to watch his "baby" (interesting choice of words, wasn't it?) cheering him on. I would actually have been happy for Tenley to be chosen though, or even Gia.

Like you, Lisa, I couldn't bear to watch the whole final episode, figuring what the outcome would be. I started by watching the recording of "The Final Rose," seeing Tenley sitting there crying. Then I just fast-forwarded here and there to the end. I did browse through the final episode just to see both girls meeting the families. Please -- Jake really does deserve what he chose -- and so does the family, who "came around" to see all of Vienna's finer qualities. Except that sweet dad. He deserved Tenley for a daughter-in-law . . .

That's all I've got for now. It has been great "watching" the show with all of you.

Love,
Suz

LUST CONQUERS ALL-Kiki, Lexi, BonBon weigh in

From Kristen:
All I can say is that Tenley dodged a bullet. I hope corny Jake falls flat on his face in dancing with the stars. You can bet his mother wont come to see him perform.

I swear I saw glittered dollar sign decals pasted on Vienna's eyelids every time she blinked.

Pardon me while I finish throwing up!

From Alexis:
But Kiki,

He's never had a relationship with that much "heat"! (barf) and besides, Vienna is his "baby". (barf barf barf)I'm sorry - but his family totally saw immediately what we've all seen along with the other girls all season.

I must saw I think I'll have to watch the Bachelorette now.... I loved Ali from the beginning.

Till next season :)Lexi

From Grandma:
Thanks Alexis and Kristen --
I needed something to smile about after watching last night's show -- actually after watching the entire Bachelor season! I feel as if I have been wallowing for weeks in that volcanic mud bath Jake and Vienna found to be "so romantic" and which I find sums up my feelings about their relationship -- and about the whole slimy, sleazy Bachelor Show -- including the catty "Tell All" and the disgusting "Bachelor Reunion" orgy! Ditto barf!

I hope Jake doesn't ruin my interest in Dancing With the Stars! I am not interested in watching the Bachelorette or American Idol this year but I will want to hear your critiques! Keep me on your comments list.

I am already looking forward to the next Olympic Games to begin!

Love, Mom/BonBon

From Lisa:

HAHAHAHAHA!!! Best laughs of the season!! Let's all fly Dad out to the DWTS show and have him give Jake the Flake a friendly "poke in the snot!" And THEN, show him the door by his ear....

I'm with you guys - Ali and Tenley owe Vienna a 'thank you' note. Gia owes her mother a trip to the psyche ward and Chris Harrison is owed a raise.

And please, Mom -- how can you not want to watch Jake on DWTS? I mean, his gratuitous preview of his dancing prowess last night doesn't leave you hanging on the edge for more? (How HORRIBLE was THAT?! That cheesy song with that ancient one-hit-wonder recording artist singing two feet aware from the kissing, giggling, wretch-inducing, non-couple????!! ewwwww!!!)

I can't bear the thought of watching the show anyway - Kate Goselin? Pamela Sue Anderson? Of course, nothing could be worse than that Senator from last year or the Penn & Teller magician. I'm already getting a head ache...

Oh well - let the cringe-fest begin.

PS -- Is there ANYONE out there who is even reMOTEly interested in Jason and Molly's wedding??? I think I'm having the cuticles on my toenails trimmed that night.....

Gag Me

I give it 3 weeks.





2 months, tops.

I'm sure you're all laughing at me because I told you I wasn't going to watch the show last night. But, I want you to know that I didn't. I did what I vowed to do. Record it. Fast forward it. See him dump Tenley and go warp speed through the proposal which - even just the 3 frames I saw of it - were horrendous (although I did slow enough when I saw her tears, hoping to find out he was dumping her too but instead ended up hearing that classic line that is 'archive' worthy - "but...you're missing something" ---huh ???!!!!).

I don't know....I just don't see, I don't get it, I don't believe it, I don't care.

yuck.


After the Final Rose -- I sped through all but 2 sentences of Jake's interview before Vienna emerged, which I tuned into in hopes of hearing that he and Vienna had parted ways, only to hear that awful declaration that his never had a relationship with so much "fire" or "heat" - or something like that. I don't remember. I was too busy running for the nearest trash can.

Did anyone else feel like we were watching a couple of paid actors on that couch holding hands and talking about moving in together? Did anyone else feel as uncomfortable as Chris Harrison looked as he tried to wish them well and express his happiness for them? I haven't seen anything that awkward since last week when Rozlyn accused him of coming on to the ex-producer's wife. whatever....

I WILL concede one thing - Vienna's new extensions looked alot better. I'm guessing she's already tapped into Jake's uncontrollable twitterpation (translation: $$) and with the help of the production staff who, now that they have to make her look credible instead of keeping her 'low-rent' look each episode, managed to make her appear somewhat more attractive.

I'm being harsh. I actually found myself not caring at all what happened. Maybe that's because once Gia was gone, we all knew what would happen anyway. The disappointment has worn off already. In truth, thanks to the "coming up" clips from 2 weeks ago and the overload at the tabloid stands, we were basically watching a re-run. Right? Was there one unanticipated moment in the entire 3 hours? Thank HEAVENS for the FF button - my entire investment last night was a mere 23 minutes.

Alright -- Who wants to watch Ali now? I vote we all just watch the Tell All and see the entire season and the finale spoiler in one fell swoop!

Word to the Wise for her future Bachelors -- whatever you do, don't let your dad cry when he meets the Bachelorette (deal breaker!), be as unlikeable and controversial as possible (deal maker!), and make sure that your bosses know to threaten you with unemployment on week 6 (deal taker - you're invited back either way). But, being the last pick for Dancing With The Stars is only offered if you make the tabloids a minimum of 3 times in one week so stir things up. In other words - make yourself a cash cow for ABC. You never know WHAT they've got waiting for you around the next corner!